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 Benjamin Franklin said “Genius is a greater aptitude for patience.” The Dalai Lama says that patience is an antidote to anger. If we examine these two ideas together, we can extrapolate that it is always smarter to find ways to hold your temper!
We have many examples in the media and the news of how to get angry, how to get even, how to be vindictive, and how to ignore the issues of others in favor of advancing our own selfish agendas. Soap opera scriptwriters and actors find the portrayal of anger appealing because it plays into dramatic conflict and rhetoric with beautiful speeches filled with passionate expression of heartfelt wounds. There are fewer examples of how to resolve conflicts and how to maintain our composure when faced with someone who disagrees with us. If we examine the actual experience of anger we can see that it sweeps up like some wild animal we’ve conjured to defend us from real or imagined harm. Anger can serve as a kind of fuel for change. Righteous anger can be a powerful force for swift and necessary change. However, in most situations, anger is less helpful to us than we think it is because it is volatile and combustible. Like gasoline near a flame, it can be hard to control anger to lead to a positive outcome. Anger almost always serves to cloud our judgement and impair our better nature. In extreme cases it can lead to terrible tragedy to others and to self destruction as we tear ourselves apart rehearsing responses to imagined threats and insults. That said, hostility is real, conflict is real, and people disagree about what to do in all kinds of situations every day. Here are 10 time honored techniques for holding your temper: 1) Trade places! Imagine the other person is yourself in the same situation with the tables turned. Someday you may be in a similar condition. Try to treat the other person with respect at all times. You will never regret the effort. If you take cheap shots for the sake of injuring the other person’s feelings, you very well may regret those words later. 2) Is it worth it? Ask yourself if the situation is really worthy of your anger. Is the insult or injury small, or does it represent a great danger to all of humanity? If it is just a small offense, let it go. If the person is generally a good person that you know and trust who is just reacting badly to external conditions like illness, pain, exhaustion or stress, consider cutting that person some slack. It is important to realize that you may not know if the person is reacting to some external factor that they have not confided to you. Don’t lose sight of the fact that that you may not know everything about the causes of the current conflict. 3) Don’t kick the dog! Next time you see someone really lose their temper, look at the people around that person and the affect they are having on the people near and dear to them. Are they increasing their own happiness, improving the situation in any real way, or just causing misery all around? Next time you think you might lose your temper, think about how your tantrum might affect your loved ones, your co-workers, or even the person in the next car. We’re all aware of the stories about the person who has been yelled at by the boss at work, who then comes home to kick the dog. When we lose our tempers, we cause a ripple effect that is powerful and harmful to everything with which we come into contact. 4) Cool Down! Get a drink of very cold water and allow the water to cool down your hot temper with each sip. A friend of mine, who escaped as a refugee from Vietnam and had seen some of her friends eaten by sharks and violated by pirates on the open seas, told me about this simple idea. It really does work! 5) Take a hike! Get some exercise. This will reduce the instinctually induced chemical and physical reactions in your body that are responding to the fight or flight urge. Our bodies are equipped to handle real physical dangers. Our minds don’t always recognize the difference between a threat to our ego and immediate physical danger. If there really is a tiger threatening to eat you, your response may be helpful in fighting the tiger, or finding the fastest way of running away from the tiger, but most of the time, we are just reacting like a neanderthal. Exercise is a modern, socially acceptable way to handle our biological heritage when we do get overwraught. Regular exercise can even train the body and mind to react more calmly to stressful situations. 6) Talk it over! Take your story to people who you respect. Tell them about the situation and your feelings. Ideally these should not just be people who love you for your own sake, although that is very important and vital, but also people who are knowledgeable and impartial as well. 7) Take care of yourself! Do not drink alcohol or coffee which can adversely affect your ability to maintain calmness and view a situation for what it is. Don’t try to drown your sorrows in food binges or radical diets. Be gentle to your health and get a good night’s sleep. 8) Look at the facts! It can be hard to focus on a stark fact in the harsh light of day rather than focusing on the emotional content of a critical comment. If someone yells at you, it is easy to get excited and yell back. However, if what they are saying is nonsense, investing that energy in an angry response is not helpful either. If what they are saying is grounded in fact, then some soul searching is in order. Consider using non-verbal means of communication rather than getting into a screaming match. Using a letter, or email to express your viewpoint may be more helpful. If you decide to take this approach, be very careful to review what you say before you send the email. If you have a trusted friend read your email before you send it, you can save yourself much embarrassment from sending what is commonly known as “flame mail.” 9) Do something else! Find something else to do that is positive and furthers your happiness rather than stewing in your own juices. Life is big, and most arguments are small. Go find yourself a slice of life that brings you happiness. If this is playing with your children, making an oil painting, or taking a walk in the woods, be sure to give yourself an opportunity to gain perspective. 10) Count to 10! Corny as it sounds, this is a commonly used technique and it can be very effective. Don’t forget to try it next time you feel frustrated and annoyed. If you do lose your temper, remember that even the Dalai Lama admits that he has his moments. The important thing is to regain your equilibrium as quickly as possible. |
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